Narcissistic women are not always obvious. They can appear fragile, charming, insecure, and even selfless. So you have to look past their disguise. Here are 7 little-known traits of a covert female narcissist.
But before we delve into that, let’s first answer these questions.
- What is narcissism?
- The two main types of narcissism: what are they?
- What is the difference between a male and a female narcissist?
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder — NPD) is a type of personality characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
It’s a Cluster B disorder, which refers to disorders that are dramatic, emotionally manipulative, self-centered, and chaotic.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), to be diagnosed with NPD a person must exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that one is special and can only be understood by other exceptional people
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
- Exploitation of others
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
- Arrogance.
Most people who exhibit narcissistic traits would not meet a clinical definition of a narcissistic personality disorder.
Still, a woman with narcissistic tendencies can be just as devious as someone with an NPD diagnosis.
Overt Vs. Covert Narcissism
There are two basic subtypes of narcissism: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.
The grandiose (overt) subtype is your “typical” narcissist who is bold, aggressive, and arrogant.
The vulnerable (covert) subtype is a less studied type of narcissism that presents with hypersensitivity, defensiveness, and even shyness.
It’s more difficult to identify because it hides behind self-deprecation and doesn’t fit the mainstream idea of what narcissism is.
While some women are grandiose narcissists, it is rare. The majority of female narcissists are the vulnerable (covert) type.
Male Vs. Female Narcissist
How are male narcissists different from females?
For starters, there are way more narcissistic men than women.
For that reason, when people talk about narcissism, they usually reference men. However, female narcissists do exist.
They may display the same behaviors and attitudes as their male counterparts, or they may present a more subtle, discreet, covert persona.
This is because every child goes through the socialization process that instills gender roles in them.
For example, girls are socialized to suppress their aggressive or dominating impulses, while boys are taught to hide their vulnerability and project hypermasculinity.
In our society, to be “feminine” is to be sweet and agreeable, and to be “masculine” is to be strong and brave.
For that reason, women typically don’t exhibit transparent, aggressive narcissism. They cloak it in vulnerability, selflessness, or victimhood.
But at the heart of it, there’s still a fervent need to project a certain image, gather sympathy and admiration, and use lies and manipulation to get what they want.
Research (see the References section) confirms that there are differences between narcissistic men and women, such as:
- Narcissistic men tend to be the grandiose type, whereas women are more likely to exhibit covert or vulnerable narcissism
- Female narcissists are more concerned with physical attractiveness than males, although both genders display vanity and exhibitionism
- Narcissistic men are more likely than women to have a sense of entitlement, exploit others for self-interest, and desire power
- Narcissistic women are more likely to use covert, relational aggression that causes psychological or social harm rather than direct aggression
What is a Covert Female Narcissist?
To put it simply, a covert female narcissist is a self-centered woman who uses indirect aggression to manipulate others for her own benefit and/or cause psychological harm.
She sees herself as a superior being and expects special treatment. But at the same time, she has an extremely fragile ego that needs constant bolstering.
What other signs are there to help you spot a female narcissist?
7 Covert Female Narcissist Traits
She is Toxic to Be Around
As a rule, narcissists are not a happy bunch.
Their wounded ego (“narcissistic injury”) constantly needs bolstering, so they are rarely satisfied.
And their negative attitudes about other people and life, in general, make them insufferable to be around. You know what they say: misery loves company.
When you’re dealing with a covert female narcissist, she may present a fake happy-go-lucky front and even refer to herself as a “positive” person who other people bring down with their “negativity.”
In reality, she’s the one who sucks others into the whirlpool of her toxicity.
If you’re sensitive to other people’s energies, you will soon feel drained, exhausted, and irritated. Your good mood will turn into a bad mood, all because you’re around her.
You may not even be able to put your finger on it — something will just feel “off” and you’ll have a strong urge to leave or end the conversation with her.
She Expects You to Be a Mind-Reader
A covert narcissistic female expects you to know or “guess” what she needs without her actually telling or asking you.
She feels that asking for something is beneath her. So how do you get something without asking for it? You manipulate people into thinking that it’s their job or responsibility to be attuned to her needs at all times and to meet them without fail.
Just like she can’t communicate her needs, she can’t communicate her emotions. Instead of telling people how she feels, she makes them feel what she feels.
So if she’s upset, she’ll make everyone around her upset and scrambling to make her feel better. This is called “emotional contagion,” and her family members are the first targets.
Although she doesn’t show any empathy, she expects people closest to her to be hypersensitive and empathetic to her slightest variations in mood. If they fail to do so, shame and guilt-tripping will follow.
That is why children of narcissistic parents often develop hyperawareness when it comes to “reading” other people and anticipating their needs.
They were taught that their needs and desires didn’t matter. So as adults, these children find it hard to set boundaries or prioritize themselves in a relationship.
They may also develop narcissistic features themselves due to the contagious nature of narcissism.
She Assumes the Worst of You
She is the kind of person who always has something critical to say about anyone she meets. But she will do so behind their backs, trying not to expose herself as a gossip.
As critical as she is of other people, it is nothing compared to how critical she is about the people who are closest to her.
For example, a narcissistic mother is most critical of her own children. The really pathological ones will even “compete” with their children, especially their daughters.
A covert narcissistic mother will methodically target the child’s self-esteem and sense of self so that they never become confident, independently-minded adults who can challenge her. This is systematic psychological destruction, and it happens far too often.
She Will Never Admit Her Wrongdoing
One of the most telling narcissistic traits is the inability or unwillingness to admit a mistake or some wrongdoing. That’s why a close relationship with a narcissist is always punctuated by frustration and suffering.
A covert female narcissist, like any true narcissist, will also deny that anything is her fault. But instead of going on the offensive, she will play the victim (or the martyr) and attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty.
Let’s say you’re dating a female narcissist and you find out that she cheated on you. When you confront her, she will respond with indignation, flat-out denying the affair. If you have proof she can’t deny, she’ll jump into the victim role and turn the tables on you. For example, she might say:
What did you expect? You hardly pay any attention to me. It’s like you don’t even care. I’m not important enough for you. All you care about is (insert something you care about). I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last on your list.
Now you’re forced to defend yourself and convince her that you do love and care about her. Her infidelity becomes secondary to what you did to make her cheat on you.
Whatever she says, you’ll never hear her admitting that it was wrong or apologizing.
She is a Pathological Liar
To a narcissist, truth doesn’t mean what it means to other people. It’s not about being genuine or having an accurate concept of reality. Rather, it’s a relative construct meant to reinforce the narcissist’s ego.
A covert female narcissist will operate on a mixture of truths, half-truths, and outright lies fused together to fit her agenda. She will do it so skillfully and convincingly that you’ll be doubting yourself before you start doubting her.
And if you actually catch her in a lie, be prepared for an avalanche of gaslighting meant to completely disorient you and make you question your sanity.
She will even accuse you of being a liar – a tactic called “projection.” All of this is done to evade accountability and maintain control.
The scary thing is, she seems to believe her own lies, even in the face of facts that clearly contradict them. She even pulls other people into her web, and those people have no idea they’ve been duped by a narcissist.
She’s Preoccupied With Projecting a False Image
Which image a covert female narcissist chooses to project depends on her cultural values and desires.
If she is from a culture that values traditional female gender roles, she may want to project an image of a perfect wife and mother. She will “care” for her family but not out of concern for their needs. Rather, her care is the byproduct of her need to be perceived in a positive light by others.
Social media is a perfect tool for that. If you take a deep dive into your Instagram, you’ll probably find a few “mommy accounts” where an attractive scantily clad female is a prime focus, with her children and husband as the props for mommy’s ego.
Another role a covert female narcissist is likely to take on is the philanthropist. She might volunteer or take on a noble cause, performing multiple (and very public!) charitable acts. There is even a term for this: the communal narcissist.
This “do-gooder” gets ego boosts not from bragging about achievements or obsessing about her looks. She gets off on letting people know how giving and caring she is. For example, if on her way to work she gave $5 to a homeless man, she will make sure to tell everyone about it. But she’ll do it subtly, like:
I feel so bad for all the homeless people! Gave $5 to one this morning but I wish I could do more. What is the city doing about this?
The objective here is to carefully craft an image that’s completely the opposite of what she really is. After all, true charity is anonymous.
She is Emotionally Shallow
A covert narcissistic woman lacks emotional depth and warmth.
She is adept at imitating emotions but real emotions are not in her wheelhouse.
Of course, it doesn’t mean she can’t feel anything. If your narcissistic mother or girlfriend cries at a funeral, it doesn’t mean she’s suddenly cured.
There is a certain range of basic emotions narcissists are still capable of. But in private, intimate relationships they are usually cold, distanced, and superficial.
For example, if you’re married to a narcissistic woman, you may feel like you can’t talk to her openly or be yourself. There is something restricting about her. A normal process of “mirroring” each other’s emotions that couples engage in is distorted in narcissistic relationships.
You can mirror her; she can’t mirror you. So you feel that your relationship is one-sided, shallow, and emotionally unfulfilling.
The same can be said if you have a covert narcissistic mother or another female relative. You want to be close to her but you can’t because she isn’t interested in nurturing emotional bonds. She’s only interested in appearances.
As long as you maintain a perfect image of your relationship, she’s happy. But if you dare to tarnish that image, then you will see the true face of the narcissist — vindictive, cruel, and unforgiving.
References
Grijalva, E., Newman, D., Tay, L., Donnellan, M.B., Harms, P. D., Robins, R., & Yan, T. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 141 (2): 261 DOI: 10.1037/a0038231
Hoertel, N., Peyre, H., Lavaud, P., Blanco, C., Guerin-Langlois, C., René, M., Schuster, J. P., Lemogne, C., Delorme, R., & Limosin, F. (2018). Examining sex differences in DSM-IV-TR narcissistic personality disorder symptom expression using Item Response Theory (IRT). Psychiatry Research, 260, 500–507. //doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2017.12.031
Kalemi, G., Michopoulos, I., Efstathiou, V., Konstantopoulou, F., Tsaklakidou, D., Gournellis, R., Douzenis, A. (2019). Narcissism but Not Criminality Is Associated With Aggression in Women: A Study Among Female Prisoners and Women Without a Criminal Record. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10. //www.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00021
Mitra, P., & Fluyau, D. (2020). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. [Updated 2020 Nov 19]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2020 Jan. Available from //www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
Stinson, F.S., Dawson, D.A., Goldstein, R.B., Chou, S.P., Huang, B., & Smith S.M. (2008). Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder: results from the wave 2 national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 69(7), 1033–1045.
Streep, P. (2018). 6 Ways a Narcissist Can Hide in Plain Sight. Psychology Today.
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